Like I mentioned before, I live in one of these old Shanghai lane houses. I’ve lived in a few of them in the city, and I’ve generally chosen these apartments over hi-rises because they’re cheap (unless it’s a lane house in the old French Concession area), they’re central, and they’re definitely not sterile. They’ve got a certain charm to them, and it’s kinda neat to live in a building from old Shanghai’s heyday, and look out your window to see new, modern Shanghai with its skyscrapers and neon lights looking down on you.

Well, charm only goes so far and after living in several of them now, I’ve had just about enough of old lane houses. When my lease ends next month I am out of here and moving to a modern high rise apartment building.

The biggest issue is that they’re old, and I’ve decided that I don’t like old houses. Many of these places are not that well maintained, and they have decades worth of dirt built up in them or are falling apart. Even if your apartment itself is renovated and in good shape, the rest of the building most likely isn’t. Also, roaches. Because they’re old, you’re more likely to share the place with cockroaches and other vermin.

One of the most annoying things about these apartments though is that they’re unreliable. There is always, and I repeat, always something that will be broken or go wrong with the place, such as:

Water: Shower water too hot, too cold, never hot, never cold. Water flooding the kitchen. Toilet not flushing. Faucet not working. Faucet not turning off. Some fart smell when you turn on the faucet. You name a water problem, and I’ve probably experienced it in one of the old Shanghai (or Shenzhen) apartments I’ve lived in.

Doors that cannot be unlocked or opened: A lot of these old places have doors that are either old, or have really crummy locking mechanisms that don’t work properly, or they work too well. In one place, I was locked out so many times (because of a faulty lock) that I just came to expect it. I just stopped going outside for a couple of weeks to better my odds. It was either that, or be prepared to spend an hour jiggling the key in the lock to find the ever-changing sweet spot.

One time, Ellen was even locked inside. I had to go hunt down a locksmith, and get him to drive me on his scooter back to the apartment. He managed to open the door in 2 minutes with a sheet-of-paper-sized piece of thin plastic, and some type of spray. Makes you wonder what a guy with this kind of skill does after work…

No insulation: Houses in Shanghai are not made for the winter. Unlike apartments in colder cities like Beijing, in Shanghai most apartments have no proper insulation, and in the winter, these places are freezing. I guess the logic is something like, “Why pay significantly more money to construct a home built for cold weather when it’s only cold two months out of the year?” I’ll tell you why: because those two months are COLD. Speaking of which…

A/C: Air conditioners here act as A/C in the summer, and double as heaters in the winter. But it doesn’t really matter because there is always something wrong with them. This is especially true in older apartments, because the A/C units are most often relics from the early 80s. The worst problem I had was with one that would leak on the neighbours’ balcony below. Every other day, the most evil old woman in the world would wake up at 6AM, bang on my door screaming in Shanghainese because a few drops of water dripped on her laundry. It took three repair service calls to resolve this. The ultimate solution was to install a tube to leak the water somewhere else (and on someone else’s laundry.)

Refrigerator: The biggest problem I’ve had with a fridge is with the current one that is so damn LOUD that it needs to be punched or kicked several times a day. This seems to make it stop for a few hours. I thought the issue was a wobbling fan or something causing the noise, but it may have actually caused the latest issue which is…

Electricity: One night a few weeks ago, the power decided to go out in my apartment. Of course, in the whole building (hell, the whole compound), only my apartment was affected. This had happened before; then it was the breaker, but this time I checked the switch and it was ok, and the fuse seemed alright too. So, I had to go 24 hours without power, and wait for the landlord to come by after I finished work the next day to do something about it.

Well enough is enough – goodbye old Shanghai lane houses! I’m sure you were all the rage in the early 1900s, but I’ll leave you to those who can better appreciate your charm.